If you are ever questioning the state of our nation…go into Build-A-Bear and you will have your answer.
A few weeks ago my parents got the kids Build-A-Bear gift certificates,which is really nice and the kids loved going there to pick out toys.
But, the insanity of the place is too much for me to handle.
Build-A-Bear is a place for kids to watch store employees stuff cotton into a teddy bear…It’s fun and exciting.
I’ve heard kids in other countries get to actually stuff the bears themselves…all day long in factories...But, I guess since we are paying $50 dollars to do it here, it’s considered fun.
The first step of the process is to pick out a bear to be stuffed.
Depending on your child, this will take 10-20 hours….blue bear or brown bear…this decision can not be made lightly.
Next, the creepily happy employee will hook your child’s bear to a big cotton taxidermy machine and ask your child to help step on the peddle that shoots cotton into the bear.
However, the cotton machine is so loud that it will scare the living shit out of the child and then they won’t want to be near the machine or bear.
This usually leaves the parents to do the rest of the stuffing ritual, which includes picking out a fabric heart to put inside the bear.
Both of our kids ran in fear of the machine, so the lady had Holly pick out a heart…then asked Holly to kiss it…
AND HOLLY KISSED IT.
My wife, the lady who will hold her pee for 10 hours instead of using a public restroom, put a fabric heart on her mouth. A heart from the bin of hearts that every snot/poop handed kid has touched.
But, whatever, put in the heart and the bear is done.
Now we have to go “wash” the bear….what have the bears been doing to get so dirty?
So, we pretend to wash the bear in a digital tub…ok, let’s get a pretzel…
WRONG AGAIN MOTHER F’ERS
NOW you go get at a DMV style computer and make a birth certificate for the bear…Forget my college diplomas, I’m putting this up in my office!
This is becoming more difficult to get out of then David Bowie’s Labryrinth…
Why are we assigning so much of a life to this bear??? Will he be paying taxes and more importantly will he be able to buy my booze????
Finally, we are done….after we pick out an outfit.
OH GOOD GOD!
At this point, you have become brainwashed in the Build A Bear process. Money is not an object, you NEED to pick out an amazing outfit for the bear.
NO NO NO those shoes don’t go!
We’ve already invested half our day and life saving in this bear, the accessories must be perfect.
In a moment of weakness, I even suggested getting the bear a regular outfit AND a costume for Halloween…What the Hell has happened to us!?!?!?!?
After what seemed like hours of torture, we made it out…Olive wanted nothing to do with the bear, but that’s fine, because I secretly put MY NAME on the bear’s birth certificate as the father, because she let her last toy be eaten by the dog…and that’s not happening to MY bear.